


all your flaws are aligned

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Panic Attacks, but alec thinks it is, the start of an almost-panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23312812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: He never wants this feeling to end.But it does. It has to. Only a second or two and then it’s gone, and when they pull away Jace wrinkles his nose in distaste. “See? What did I tell you? Nothing.”“Yeah,” Alec says, ignoring the way his heart aches with the lie. “Nothing.”---After being confronted with Alec's feelings for him, Jace continues to lie about his own. He's doing it for Alec's own good in the long run... even if it hurts them both for now.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 40
Kudos: 78
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	all your flaws are aligned

Alec sprints from the training area, not stopping until he’s back in his room with the door shut behind him to collapse against.

How could he be so careless? When he had Jace pinned to the mat, panting and sweating underneath him, he should’ve let go and stood up immediately like he always did. Instead, he lingered... long enough for Jace to see the flash of curious desire in his eyes, but even more telling, long enough to notice the way Alec’s already hard through his sweatpants.

He expects Jace to never speak to him again. Instead, he hears the tell-tale pattern of knocks from his parabatai on the door.

“Alec?” Jace tries, voice muffled through the door. “Come on, man, I know you’re there. I’m not leaving until you let me in.”

This is it. Instead of never talking to him again Jace came up here to tell him personally how fucked up he is and how much he hates him for it. Part of Alec is certain that Jace already knew - how could he _not_ \- but after what just happened there’s not much room for plausible deniability anymore.

“Don't make me talk to you through the door-” Jace threatens, sending panic through Alec second only to the level he experienced only minutes before. Alec opens the door and drags Jace inside, shutting it quickly and putting a lock rune and sound-dampening rune on the wood for good measure.

“Shit,” Jace breathes out. If there was any chance at writing this off as a simple misunderstanding it’s gone the moment Alec turns his room into an impenetrable bunker just to talk. “So that definitely was what I think it was.”

“It’ll never happen again. I’ll stay away from you, I swear, but- please, you can’t say anything, not to mom or dad or Izzy or _anyone_. No one can ever, ever find out.” Alec doesn’t know what he’ll do if this gets out.

“Alec-”

“I’ll stop training with you. I won’t even sit near you in the cafeteria just please-”

“Alec!” Alec’s stunned to find Jace’s hands on his shoulders, cutting off his ramble, grounding him before he spirals into a full-blown panic attack. He didn’t even realize he started pacing until Jace stops him. “Breathe!”

Jace isn’t angry. He isn’t pushing him away or running out of fear or embarrassment.

He’s staying.

Slowly but surely Alec’s breathing steadies. Once Jace is certain he’s calmed down he tries again. “Listen, I don’t care if you have a crush on me, or feelings, or whatever, but I don’t-”

“I know,” Alec says quickly. He doesn’t need to hear Jace say it out loud - he doesn’t need to be told what he already knows, and just knowing is bad enough as it is.

Alec sits down on the edge of his bed, Jace leans back against the wall, and a long silence settles between them until Jace speaks again.

“I read in a magazine that sometimes kissing someone once will show you there’s nothing there so you can get over them,” Jace offers, fingers fidgeting in front of him as he speaks.

“That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard,” Alec says, though his heart races at the thought.

“It’s happened to me before. You build up this idea in your head, then it finally happens and it’s just… disappointing.” Jace shrugs, and Alec fights the urge to inform Jace that nothing about him will ever be disappointing to Alec. “It’s just a kiss. It won’t mean anything. Then you’ll see how weird it feels and we can pretend this never happened.”

Just a kiss for Jace, maybe; Jace has kissed dozens of girls already, people he liked and casual hookups. It wouldn’t mean anything to him, but to Alec… this might be the only chance he gets to kiss someone he _wants_ to kiss.

Before he overthinks it Alec stands up from the edge of the bed and leans forward, brushing his lips against Jace’s, only daring to linger for a second or two.

Alec feels the lingering tingle of Jace’s lips even after they’re gone, every single nerve in his body seeming to light up at once at the simple touch. It’s a taste of everything he wants, everything he’s too afraid to chase.

He never wants this feeling to end.

But it does. It has to. Only a second or two and then it’s gone, and when they pull away Jace wrinkles his nose in distaste. “See? What did I tell you? Nothing.”

“Yeah,” Alec says, ignoring the way his heart aches with the lie. “Nothing.”

\-------------

It’s a lie. It’s all a lie, and every single thing he’s done or said since he followed Alec up to his room from the training room hurts more than anything he’s had to do before.

But it has to be done. Jace knows what will happen if he admits to Alec that he feels the same way - or at least a very similar way - about him.

He knows it ends with the Lightwoods kicking Jace out, losing him the only family he’s ever truly known.

He knows it ends with both of them being shunned by the Shadowhunters around them - by the Council, their elders, even their peers - for breaking the rule of no romantic involvement between Parabatai.

It ends in Alec isolating himself, of making himself a target, all for the sake of wanting to be with Jace - and Jace knows that he isn’t worth all of that.

The kiss nearly breaks him. It’s only a second or two, but Jace is glad that Alec pulls away just as quickly as he leaned in because he isn’t sure he would’ve pulled back on his own. Jace wants this, he wants it so much it _hurts_ , and he knows he can’t have it because he isn’t worth Alec throwing away everything he’s worked so hard for.

Reminding himself that he’s doing this for Alec’s own good, that he’ll see it one day and maybe even thank him for it, Jace screws his face up and lies about feeling nothing.

When Alec agrees with a disappointed “Yeah, nothing”, Jace is surprised at how hurt he is by it. He doesn’t want Alec to be upset, obviously, but it still stings a bit to be passed over so easily even if that was the goal all along.

Jace will do anything to protect Alec, even if he’s the one Alec needs protecting from.

Even if it breaks his heart in the process.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


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